Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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