I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
