just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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