Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
