Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You made out with two different species that night
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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