he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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