i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
