i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize