She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
