I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
