i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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