I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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