Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
try to milk me bitch
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