i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
