i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
