this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
