I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
