I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
