Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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