Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
