can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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