i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ketchup is God's man juice
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
