you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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