Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
40s are totally the cure
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
