I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
