I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize