Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
