I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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