The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
