none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Life is so much better after having sex.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
