I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
