I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
