Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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