I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize