im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
