I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
