I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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