I faked an abortion last night.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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