We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The uberlube is also flammable
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
