I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
