I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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