Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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