chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
