i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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