do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
