Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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