One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
