I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
