Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
