You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
