my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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