dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
