I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
