My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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