There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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