i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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