White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
