Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
