woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
