You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
