My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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