Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize