she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
