im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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